Too Much
I just read this post over at Ann Voskamp's blog and it has encouraged me to write and revel and wrestle with what God is doing in this world and in my world.
This is my fourth blog in as many years. My first blog was a small record of my sweet little one's lives, Joseph and Holly. I didn't even write much on there...just posted pictures. I didn't write because I thought, "Who would want to read my thoughts? I'm just taking care of two little kids every day and why would anyone care for my commentary on that?"
Then November of 2007 happened. I was living my small little life with my small little kids when something very big happened to him and to us. My unimportant job suddenly became very important. My words became the conveyor of important information.
We found out our precious firstborn son, Joseph, had a large brain tumor in his brain stem and cerebellum. Our lives flew into a flurry of surgeries, hospital stays, flights, moves, and devastating emotions. My sister set up a blog for us so we could keep everyone informed about Joseph's health.
I actually wrote on this blog. Joseph's health was important. Taking care of him was important. And people wanted to know how we were doing and how he was doing. Writing is therapeutic for me so it worked really well for me (and Allen) to be able to write on the blog and I know others appreciated us communicating how Joseph was doing.
Sweet Joseph went to be with Jesus in August of 2008 and I continued to write as the Lord led me to, sharing how we were doing and appreciating the community of people who had grown to love Joseph and love us through their support and comments.
But as time went on, that blog seemed the wrong place to write...It was Joseph's blog and if I wasn't writing about him it just didn't feel right to write on there.
So, I started another blog just to record our regular lives and post pictures of Holly and June...hence blog #3. But that blog also didn't seem like a place to really blog and wrestle with what God was doing in our lives because it's supposed to be just a sweet record of the little years.
And I started to wonder again, "Is my life important? Would anyone care to hear what I have to say? Do I even care enough to write about what I'm learning? Am I learning anything??
Or other times I think, "Am I too much? Have I been through too much and what I wrestle with seems so dark and heavy and I'll just be a downer to everyone?"
But I do believe every person is an image-bearer of God. We are important. I am important because I'm his handiwork. Some people make music or art or other such beauty. I like to write. If nothing else, it helps me figure out what's going on in my head and heart.
I read something recently that nudged me forward: "Impression without expression causes depression." The Lord knows I have enough reason to be depressed. I don't need any help sinking into the slimy pit of self-pity. If writing will somehow express what's been impressed on me, then that, as Martha Stewart says, must be "a good thing."
So, I'm going to be brave and trust and write. And I hope to be authentic and open and honest about my struggles.
If anyone out there is still in her bath robe at 2:49 p.m., you are in good company. Today, I taught Holly phonics and math, and we read a poem and June pooped on the potty and that is a success. Showering and dressing would just be a bonus.
I'm not sure what I'll write about...but I'm trusting the Lord will lead me on that one and I pray I'll be a faithful steward of the life he's giving me...Grateful for the challenges and the messes and the unfinished work. Grateful for these children that exasperate and exhaust me but bless me with unspeakable joy. Because I know that if I can touch them and see their smiles and kiss their soft hair I am a blessed woman indeed.
This is my fourth blog in as many years. My first blog was a small record of my sweet little one's lives, Joseph and Holly. I didn't even write much on there...just posted pictures. I didn't write because I thought, "Who would want to read my thoughts? I'm just taking care of two little kids every day and why would anyone care for my commentary on that?"
Then November of 2007 happened. I was living my small little life with my small little kids when something very big happened to him and to us. My unimportant job suddenly became very important. My words became the conveyor of important information.
We found out our precious firstborn son, Joseph, had a large brain tumor in his brain stem and cerebellum. Our lives flew into a flurry of surgeries, hospital stays, flights, moves, and devastating emotions. My sister set up a blog for us so we could keep everyone informed about Joseph's health.
I actually wrote on this blog. Joseph's health was important. Taking care of him was important. And people wanted to know how we were doing and how he was doing. Writing is therapeutic for me so it worked really well for me (and Allen) to be able to write on the blog and I know others appreciated us communicating how Joseph was doing.
Sweet Joseph went to be with Jesus in August of 2008 and I continued to write as the Lord led me to, sharing how we were doing and appreciating the community of people who had grown to love Joseph and love us through their support and comments.
But as time went on, that blog seemed the wrong place to write...It was Joseph's blog and if I wasn't writing about him it just didn't feel right to write on there.
So, I started another blog just to record our regular lives and post pictures of Holly and June...hence blog #3. But that blog also didn't seem like a place to really blog and wrestle with what God was doing in our lives because it's supposed to be just a sweet record of the little years.
And I started to wonder again, "Is my life important? Would anyone care to hear what I have to say? Do I even care enough to write about what I'm learning? Am I learning anything??
Or other times I think, "Am I too much? Have I been through too much and what I wrestle with seems so dark and heavy and I'll just be a downer to everyone?"
But I do believe every person is an image-bearer of God. We are important. I am important because I'm his handiwork. Some people make music or art or other such beauty. I like to write. If nothing else, it helps me figure out what's going on in my head and heart.
I read something recently that nudged me forward: "Impression without expression causes depression." The Lord knows I have enough reason to be depressed. I don't need any help sinking into the slimy pit of self-pity. If writing will somehow express what's been impressed on me, then that, as Martha Stewart says, must be "a good thing."
So, I'm going to be brave and trust and write. And I hope to be authentic and open and honest about my struggles.
If anyone out there is still in her bath robe at 2:49 p.m., you are in good company. Today, I taught Holly phonics and math, and we read a poem and June pooped on the potty and that is a success. Showering and dressing would just be a bonus.
I'm not sure what I'll write about...but I'm trusting the Lord will lead me on that one and I pray I'll be a faithful steward of the life he's giving me...Grateful for the challenges and the messes and the unfinished work. Grateful for these children that exasperate and exhaust me but bless me with unspeakable joy. Because I know that if I can touch them and see their smiles and kiss their soft hair I am a blessed woman indeed.
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