David

It's been about 7 months since I heard the haunting words over the phone: "David's dead." Since I weakly handed the phone over to that friend, hoping she would pass it on to my mom because how could I face her with my heart breaking and no words to say? How could I tell her those words that I had hoped and wished would not be true? And how could he say that to me, just like that--He's dead, as if he were saying "He's here." Crumpling to the ground I heard the wailing and I just faintly hoped it were all a sick joke or there was some big mistake. How could that lively and healthy boy be really gone? How could he fall, that nimble athlete, stronger and faster than anyone I knew? From such a height, no one could survive. But he did fall, and he died, and now he's living in glory unspeakable.






Some days I'm able to focus on the glory he's experiencing, and some days I'm overcome with the loss. The aching absence of someone who brought peace and joy and a calming presence to those around him. The unpredictable, funny, wise, loving boy who was the darling of our family. Favorite uncle, little brother/ "nephew" to us far-older siblings, faithful friend. Some days I'm happy for him, that he is where he belongs, that a loving Father drew home his beloved son. And some days I'm swallowed up in sadness and I feel I'll never stop experiencing sadness. And I fear who will be next? First a son, then a brother. Am I safe here? Does God really love me? Why all this heartache? Some days I just cannot stand. My legs under me falter and the flood of tears stream down my face. All the knowing and believing and hoping just doesn't change the sadness.

And I cling to the verse that says "His power is made perfect in weakness," because this woman who just needs to write it out for fear it will swallow her whole is a great ball of weakness. If He doesn't pour his strength into me, his hope into me, his peace into me, I have nothing. If I need something to bring to Him, I'm ruined. If there is hope only for this life, I am pitiful. But there is a God who keeps every promise. It all may not turn out happy in this life, but one day---that day, all will be made right. Everything sad will come untrue.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Miracle

A few weekends ago, the good doctor and I headed to a grieving couples retreat led by Nancy and David Guthrie. I must say that when we initially heard about it we thought, "We need this. Yes! Let's do it." Then, the week before the retreat both of us were thinking, "What are we doing? Can we get out of this??" Not really knowing what to expect, we showed up Friday night to a room full of couples who had also experienced the same devastating loss we had: losing a beloved child. Looking around at each couple, it was hard to believe each of them had felt or was feeling the same sadness we had felt. As we shared stories that night and Saturday morning, my heart was burdened for each of them as I listened and saw the courage they had, the pain the carried, and the hope that drew them forward. Each story was different, yet out of ten couples, one thing was the same: an unswerving faith and trust in God. To be perfectly honest, this absolutely shocked me. I think I...
Read more

Freedom from Formulas

Recently, I was in two different situations where my children reminded me of a powerful truth that I had forgotten in the moment, but had, by Gods grace, taught them along the way. One was while helping my son search for a beloved lost toy. I was giving instructions on where to look, how to look and why he needs to keep track of his things—and he looked at me and said, “Can we just pray?!” Then just this morning another child was feeling anxious about a big test and I was trying to give her encouragement and she quietly asked, “Will you pray for me?” It gave me so much joy that despite my flawed and lacking parenting, the Lord had preserved this message we have taught them: that God cares about every detail of our lives and so we can and should talk to him about everything.  We did not find the toy and I’m not sure how the test will turn out but we do know our loving Father sees, cares and wants to hear what’s on our hearts—regardless of outcomes. A lot of times I’ll...
Read more

Rain and growth

One of the hard things for me about where we live is that once we pass winter and I'm eager to get outside in the springtime, my allergies hit! So the one thing I'd love to do after a long cold winter actually makes me feel horrible (allergy medicine definitely helps!). I was out walking recently after it had rained a lot and my allergies were not acting up. I thought to myself, "The rain must have covered up the pollen or something because I'm not reacting to anything." Then my next thought was, "But I know what rain does--feeds those flowers and trees and eventually will cause even greater growth!" It made me think about seasons in our life--sometimes we look around and all we see is gray and cold and rainy weather. It can be hard to imagine it will ever change. Then, out of nowhere, this beautiful new growth appears, stronger and more beautiful than we could even fathom. I think in the Christian life, the Lord consistently sends trials (or rain) to H...
Read more