On Rest

I feel weary this week. I feel like I've been on a hamster wheel of meeting needs, driving here and there, running errands, meeting with friends, and being "productive," and yet I'm running on empty. Yesterday it all came to a head when it occurred to me that I had had five and a half hours of  kid-free time and the thing I most desperately needed to do I hadn't done: sit by myself. I did several good things: visited with a friend I hadn't seen in a while, stopped by Allen's Grandma's house to bring her a meal, went to the grocery store to get my kids some lunch food, and went to counseling. All these things are good in themselves, but at the end of the day I felt frustrated. I hadn't really made the first thing the first thing. I needed to fill my tank. As an introvert who also really loves being around people, it is so tempting for me to fill all my hours with people. It somehow seems selfish to schedule in alone time as a necessity. Yet, if I don't do this I get depleted and then I want to run and hide from everyone and everything.

I have been pondering why I do this? I think at the core, it's people pleasing. I didn't want to hurt my friend's feelings who asked if we could visit. My husband wanted me to bring Grandma some food so I did. I wanted my kids to have some good lunch food items so I went to the store. I could easily have done these things another time but in the moment I just wanted everyone to be happy. And in the end my soul suffered and I was left exhausted.

My soul needs rest, and it cannot be fully found in the encouragement of a friend, the success of having accomplished my to-do list, or pleasing the people in my life. It only comes from being with Jesus and receiving the truth of His love and delight in me. I so foolishly run to other things to fill my cup, thinking they will satisfy me, when resting in God's presence is truly the healthiest and best thing for me.

This morning, I did choose to stay home and have some alone time with little Benjamin. We played trains and just hung out and listened to music. We listened to Chris Rice, whom I haven't listened to in years. The lyrics of one his songs resonated with me:

"I get so clumsy, I get so foolish. I can get so stupid, sometimes, and then I feel so useless. But your saying you love me, and your still gonna hold me, and that you wanna be near me, 'cause your making me holy, still making me holy."

What a beautiful and generous Savior we have, who doesn't treat us as our sins deserve. He heaps grace upon grace over us, when I am tempted to feel condemnation and failure. He doesn't put distance between us when we sin, but after we confess He just wants to hold us. Intimacy with his children is His delight. It's almost too good to be true!

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge."

Psalm 62:5-8

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Miracle

A few weekends ago, the good doctor and I headed to a grieving couples retreat led by Nancy and David Guthrie. I must say that when we initially heard about it we thought, "We need this. Yes! Let's do it." Then, the week before the retreat both of us were thinking, "What are we doing? Can we get out of this??" Not really knowing what to expect, we showed up Friday night to a room full of couples who had also experienced the same devastating loss we had: losing a beloved child. Looking around at each couple, it was hard to believe each of them had felt or was feeling the same sadness we had felt. As we shared stories that night and Saturday morning, my heart was burdened for each of them as I listened and saw the courage they had, the pain the carried, and the hope that drew them forward. Each story was different, yet out of ten couples, one thing was the same: an unswerving faith and trust in God. To be perfectly honest, this absolutely shocked me. I think I...
Read more

Freedom from Formulas

Recently, I was in two different situations where my children reminded me of a powerful truth that I had forgotten in the moment, but had, by Gods grace, taught them along the way. One was while helping my son search for a beloved lost toy. I was giving instructions on where to look, how to look and why he needs to keep track of his things—and he looked at me and said, “Can we just pray?!” Then just this morning another child was feeling anxious about a big test and I was trying to give her encouragement and she quietly asked, “Will you pray for me?” It gave me so much joy that despite my flawed and lacking parenting, the Lord had preserved this message we have taught them: that God cares about every detail of our lives and so we can and should talk to him about everything.  We did not find the toy and I’m not sure how the test will turn out but we do know our loving Father sees, cares and wants to hear what’s on our hearts—regardless of outcomes. A lot of times I’ll...
Read more

Rain and growth

One of the hard things for me about where we live is that once we pass winter and I'm eager to get outside in the springtime, my allergies hit! So the one thing I'd love to do after a long cold winter actually makes me feel horrible (allergy medicine definitely helps!). I was out walking recently after it had rained a lot and my allergies were not acting up. I thought to myself, "The rain must have covered up the pollen or something because I'm not reacting to anything." Then my next thought was, "But I know what rain does--feeds those flowers and trees and eventually will cause even greater growth!" It made me think about seasons in our life--sometimes we look around and all we see is gray and cold and rainy weather. It can be hard to imagine it will ever change. Then, out of nowhere, this beautiful new growth appears, stronger and more beautiful than we could even fathom. I think in the Christian life, the Lord consistently sends trials (or rain) to H...
Read more